What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
12.06.2025 03:45
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
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Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
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I write beautiful poetry .
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
But it wasn’t much.
I was seconnd youngest,
Im dying but, im not bitter.
She wouldn,t have been !
I was 9 years of age.
I don,t even have a pension.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
One cannot live in the past .
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
I said to her
Do you want to have an XXX chat?
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
So, i spoilt her more .
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
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Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
I couldn’t, believe it.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
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Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
Especially a lifetime of it.
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Put me off passion for life!!
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
The only rule us 5 kids had .
I had hoped to write a book about this .
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
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My life is so biszare .
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
She was in good health!
Why would my ex block me after I blocked him?
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
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We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
We were not on the streets..
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
I was scared of men, in general
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
Who then, do I blame.?
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
I think the readers, may guess!
Would this be the day?
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
I never cut or harmed myself..
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
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My mum and dad in the seventies!
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
Was to survive, this bastard.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
(And it was in our own minds.)
All the time i was locked up.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
She found it foreign!.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
It was going to be , some day.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
But, we were locked up after school.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
My family never makes their pension either.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
He knew the spot.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
She married twice! .
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
I have no regrets .
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
I waited trembling.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
What did i know ?
When she asked me how she looked .
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
I will be 64.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Why did i forgive my father ?
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Comes on , in middle age.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
Ive learnt so much.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
This is soul school!.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
We all went to grammer schools
And i lived it daily.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
She loved him until the end.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
I did it because my mum asked me too!
But ive been too sick for many years..
So whats the point in blame.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
He resisted the act ,that day.
I could never make a relationship work though!
I know ,a lot about trauma.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
Im still living with it.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
On the 31st of Jan this month .
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Where the ultimate outsiders.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
I was very sick at this time too.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
As i do to all so called friends.?
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.